Make the best

On Sunday at Third Church, Pastor Korver asked what one word would sum up each of our lives. His word was "sadness." People come to him when they're sad, are having troubles in their lives, when everything is falling apart. A word came to me immediately too. "Sick." I'm always sick. And I feel like it has been getting worse in the last year or two. Just a year or two ago, I got allergies when I never had them before. Now it's even come to the point where I can't be around cats or people with cats. Where does that leave me with my family and friends? It's not ok with me to ask them to give up their beloved pets. Why does it have to be like this? Did this one more thing really have to be added to everything else that was already going on?

There just always seems to be something, doesn't there? Everything is complicated. And there's always questions in the back of my mind that I worry about... that I try not to think about too much. When I get pregnant, can I handle it? Will my baby and I even be able to be ok? What if I get cancer sometime? I have such a limited immune system already, how would we even be able to battle cancer? I've been getting sick much more often then I used to now too. What happens if it gets to be too often and I lose my job?

This weekend I realized again just how fragile the control over my life is. We had plans to have an amazing Thanksgiving with family. Somehow between the ER visits and the doctors and the huge amounts of drugs I'm taking now, I still was able to spend some time with both families. But it wasn't the quality time I cherish so much. I couldn't do anything but sit on the couch and watch. My best laid plans were taken away, and there was nothing I could do about it. And even worse, everyone else had to change plans too.

I admit I struggle not to get angry at times. Seriously God, isn't this enough? Why does there have to be one more thing added on my life? I feel like it's more than I can handle anymore.

But isn't that what God is trying to teach His children everyday? I can't do it by myself. Life is so hard, and sometimes it seems impossible. But God is so mighty. He has given me an amazing family that has carried my through my life so far. I have parents and sisters who have fought with me through all of it, and a brother who shares the same battles. God has given me a husband who is beyond everything I have ever asked God for. Tim is everything to me, and I literally thank God for him every minute, especially in times like these. His life has become much harder in so many ways since I have entered it, but he has taken it onto his shoulders and has helped me carry my worries. And with Tim came a family that I am also so thankful for. They have all opened their lives to me and I feel not only completely accepted by them, but also loved. God has placed these amazing people in my life "for such a time as this." Thank you everyone for your love, prayers, and continual support for me.

I still don't know why things have to be so hard. Maybe God is teaching me something. Maybe there is more of me that needs to be broken down so that God can work in my life. Maybe God has plans for me that have nothing to do with the plans I have made for my future, and this is the only way to wake me up to look completely for His will in my life. I don't know. Whatever the reasons, I wish it wasn't so hard. All I'm left with is God's hand to hold me up using the people in my life. In the end really, I couldn't ask for too much more. Although being able to breathe again might be nice... :)